Joy Express

Yesterday, I had the thought that I seem to want to write when I am in a highly emotional state.  I guess that’s logical given that the intensity of feeling just pours out of me … like tears, really.  Then, when I am not feeling strongly emotional ~ in happiness or sadness ~ I don’t have the urge to write.  Hmm.

 

A wise man said to me recently that when one has a reaction to a situation then has an awareness which is the opposite of that reaction, turmoil ensues.  That’s my life in a nutshell.  I am a Gemini ~ two brains/heads is an absolute bonus in so many ways, but it’s also the greatest source of challenge!  I sometimes need to be able to step out of myself so I can talk clearly to myself, if you understand that.  

 

I’ve spent my life being angry and resentful of my father, then during the process of his death and after he died, I was made aware of the incredible pure love and essence of that soul and how instrumental our relationship has been for me to become who I am today.  Another source of inner turmoil.

 

And then, there is how I see me and how others see me.  I do wonder if everyone experiences that? 

 

The upside of this Awareness is that I have discovered a lot about my Authentic Self.  I know how I want to approach life and the people who cross my path.  I know what is appropriate behaviour ~ communication and physical ~ for me to assume.  I know what being Honourable and Genuine and Aware are all about.  I understand, although struggle with the acceptance of  it, why people behave the way they do; to me (of recent times), especially.  I understand that being told that I am not responding appropriately to the dying process of my father is just a way of saying “I am in pain.”  I understand that being told I am responsible for someone’s emotional breakdown to the extent of needing alternative therapies support, is just that I was the ‘last straw’ or ‘catalyst’ for that day’s fallout.

 

I understand, but I have been hurt.  Deeply.

 

I also know that from Great Challenge comes Great Learning.  [Gosh, I think my life has been FULL of 'great challenge'!] I also know that once the learning has been achieved, there are Great Rewards.  The reward from Dad’s death?  The Awareness of the Unconditional Love his Soul has for my Soul.  But … the cost has been Very High and my human side is not quite at a point of being able to make peace with that, yet.

 

So until then, I cry when I need to cry and I stamp for creative nurturing.  I hang out with people who love me and understand that I am still grieving and I attempt to learn how to nurture myself.  I continue to ‘tweak’ my wellbeing ~ a kinesiologist visit, latte appointments, personal training,  You Tube “FUN” moments ~ whatever is needed at the time.  I will be Well, again.  And, God Help Me, the tears will finally stop flowing so strongly!

 

Today’s FUN moment ~ The Twist!  Check it out!!