I always look at this card, from the Soul Coaching Oracle Card Deck by Denise Linn, and think ‘what does that really mean?’  And, when I read the guide book, I realise that it’s pretty simple ~ declutter my environment and my body.  

Hmm. 

Today is my 1 year anniversary of attending Personal Training.  It has been one of the most life-changing commitments I have ever made and I am Very Grateful to Sharon, from Jigsaw Fitness, for being such a patient, understanding and knowledgeable Trainer.   The person I was, in June 2009, is not the person I am now, although I can remember ‘her’ quite clearly.  I was unwell, feeling disempowered, very unfit and pretty unhealthy.   

I am now much fitter, physically, and in significantly better health ~ mentally.  The reason I went to Sharon in the first place was for Mental Health.  I had had some really debilitating experiences with the thoughts getting completely out of control in my head; finding myself unable to get out of bed and unable to turn off those thoughts which were traveling at such speed and volume that I had to call David home from work to look after me.  Looking back on that time,  it was one of the more terrifying experiences I have had.  After some recuperation time with Mum, acupuncture and philosophy from a lovely guy who mum knows, some rest and good eating, I was Much Improved.  And much more aware of how I needed to manage my thoughts. 

My 44th year ended on a busy note.  I booked in for an assessment with Sharon – spent half the time tryng not to cry , made a commitment to attend personal training twice a week (expecting to not be successful at that commitment), went to Alice Springs with Lovely Beverly - which was Healing and Life Changing, and greeted my 45th Birthday with a sense of Purpose and Excitement. 

It was a rocky 6 months and the beginning of 2010 was pretty intense, too.  However, all these experiences have allowed me some Great Learning.  This year, I have really stuck at Personal Training and I have found exercises Sharon got me to do last year seem much more manageable this year.  Even more importantly, I can recognise when my thoughts are heading down that path of chaos!  I spend much less time lurching from thought to crisis to thought.  I am significantly more aware and more mindful of managing an ‘even-temperedness’.   

So, in writing this, I can get a sense of what June is going to be all about.  It will be a continuation of  Learning How to Be More Mindful.  And, maybe, as Sharon suggested, yesterday, Healthy Eating might just become a priority.

Stamping ~ creating projects for Stampin’ Kids; making birthday cards for the many gorgeous people who share a birthday in June; planning Christmas Cards for my Christmas Stamping Workshop.

Working … I’m getting into a routine with working one day a week at Essence of Isis ~ Oh!  Suzie has changed her name!  She is now “Susanah Isis” (I didn’t know that at the time of writing!). And, readings and Angel events, locally.  Suzie is holding an OPEN DAY on June 5 so if you are in town, come along and say Hi!  I will be doing Free Mini Angel Readings.

Kids … Daniel is in Perth, Josh has exams coming up, Kels is planning and replanning her birthday.

Travel … making plans to squeeze in a short ‘vacation’ in July ~ hopefully ~ and booking flights & hotel for the I Can Do It weekend in Sydney in August.

Grey’s Anatomy … I indulged in Series 1 and 2 when out buying gifts for Kels and I LOVE it!

Food … attempting to honour my body’s needs and eat healthy grounding food … we’ve eaten wonderfully, this week, but it sure is time consuming!

Cold weather; wet days; washing, washing, washing; changing routines; keeping in touch with friends and family … everyday JOYs.

So, the reason I’m tired is I have a new life happening.  David is back at work; Josh is back at work; Daniel is working all the hours he can and is currently away on a road trip for work; and Kels is ‘flexing’ her muscles in an ‘I want to be more independent’ way.  All of these things are WONDERFUL ~ even Kels’ stuff because it’s a sign that my “baby” is growing up and really ready to finish primary school.  Woo Hoo!  [imagine me doing the happy dance, here]

My life is absolutely fantastic!  I am doing all those things which I’ve longed for and dreamt about for quite a few years, now.  In the last week, I have started at a new venue ~ Essence of Isis, in Thomastown ~ doing Angel Readings, and it’s just wonderful!  Lovely Suzie, the owner of Essence of Isis is a gorgeous woman whom I met while doing Rachelle Charman’s Crystal Awakening Intensive Workshop, last year.  We shared some really heavy healing sessions, then met up again at the Advanced Workshop in April.  She is just gorgeous, passionate about Crystals (hence opening a Crystal Shop), and a fellow Gemini.  It’s great fun to be working with her, once a week.   I have also been doing readings at home and indulging in Angel Lunches & Oracle Card Reading Practise Sessions. 

Stamping is fabulous, too, and my business is building there, as well.  I was never intending to stay a demonstrator as long as I have (more than 2 years) but I just LOVE Stampin’ Up! product and projects and people!!  So, I decided to build on that, as well. 

Combine all that with the happenings in the family and for the first time ever I am working all the hours I can doing all the roles and wearing all the hats that come with it.  I can’t decide if being busy is what makes me tired, or if it’s surfing Angel Space for significantly more hours, or it’s keeping up with all the family happenings, or the colder weather, or that I am missing David, terribly.  All I do know is that I feel tired and battered and I’d really rather not be feeling that way!

Today, I am indulging in a couple of hours at the hairdresser (gosh, the grey hairs have even made their presence felt more obviously!!) and my 3rd session of Personal Training  for the week ~ Thank God, for Sharon!!  She is keeping me grounded and healthy and well and balanced with all my Angel Space surfing and I am So Grateful! 

We will even get to have Family Dinner ~ YAY!  Well, minus one.

And, as I get to the end of this post my coffee has kicked in and I am feeling a little better.  It’s ok to be feeling a bit ‘tired and battered’ when I look back over all I have achieved, this week (did I mention I’ve also managed to fit in “cleaning” the house?  Not high on my priority list but had become essential.  LOL) and I will feel better as the day goes on.  I’m off to squeeze in a little stamping before breakfast.

Thanks for ‘listening’. 

David and I decided to choose just a couple of areas which could be cleaned out ~ I am notorious for getting inspired by a project and going all out with it.  David’s wisdom (and previous experience) tempered that for me and we only worked on a selection of areas.  We had to do all the tops of the wardrobes because we needed all the space to put things back.  We have almost no storage area in our house as we are built on a concrete slab and have cathedral ceilings.

A few hours later, toys and games and junk were strewn across the loungeroom floor.  I called a family meeting and everyone was instructed to vote Yes or No about keeping different things in the piles.  Mostly we cleaned out old board games and jigsaws.  The kids were fantastic remembering their ’special’ keepsakes which had all been stashed into one or two boxes together and therefore beyond my memory of which thing belonged to whom.

After time off for lunch, David, Kels and I popped out to buy 6 large plastic tubs with lids and came home to pack up the ’goodies’ we had decided to keep.  Now they are sitting neatly in the tops of the wardrobes, safe and tidy.  We have 2 large garbage bags of rubbish to throw out and a few tubs of keepsakes for the kids to take with them when they start their ‘independent’ lives.  All in all, a job well done.

But, most importantly, the energy in those areas is Clean and Crisp and Energised.  It’s just like putting the crystals outside for a Full Moon Energy Bath … they come back in sparkling with health and wellbeing.  Now our ‘dark’ corners of the house are experiencing the same thing.  And, WE are feeling better, too!

My recent stamping projects are very reflective of this process.  I have used up a lot of my stash of cards, in recent times, and noticed that, apart from birthday cards, the category in my stash which was most depleted was the ‘miscellaneous’ selection.  They’re the cards I use to Say Hello … or Thank You … or to Acknowledge a Friend.  The next MOTHER EARTH DREAMING workshop is all about Sacred Space and Norma and I will be sharing tips and processes for Decluttering.  As is the way when I am planning a workshop, the process is one which I seem to have to actually participate in, too.  Very appropriate at the moment because I have heaps of stuff in my Stampin’ Stash which really needs to be used up ~ so there is plenty of space for the NEW product available in the Autumn Winter Mini Catalog arriving in April!

I decided to create a bunch of ‘Pot Luck’ cards.  I call them ‘Pot Luck’ because I thought if I was offering a workshop for this project we would use whatever Designer Series Paper was in my stash, regardless of whether it was old or current product.  I chose a layout I liked, the stamp set which coordinated with the paper and Voila!  8 cards, 4 different sentiments, 2 colour combos.  Instant supply of Friendship Cards!

The Cleansing part of life involves sifting through ’stuff’ – physical and emotional – and working out which things need to be ‘decluttered’, which need to be ‘deleted’ (like all the old posts on Joy Express, or all the scrappy bits of paper and cardstock in my Stampin’ Stash), and which can be ‘recycled’ into something purposeful (like new cards from old product, or new ways of seeing old situations).

I LOVE Decluttering!  I’ve decluttered some ’symbolic’ things, this week; things which represent emotional baggage – Very Empowering!  In fact, at lunch yesterday, I gave Lovely Bernie an Archangel Oracle Cards Deck and suggested the ladies all took a card for themselves as the first part of readings over our meal.  My card was “Take Back Your Power” – Woo Hoo!  A timely reminder!  After a while, clutter builds up, in the craft room especially, and I find myself less able to think clearly.  So, a DECLUTTER is called for and, after a flurry of activity, peace and harmony reign supreme … and clear thoughts present themselves again.

Clear space and cleansed energy is the recipe for NEW ideas.  They formulate like seeds germinating in rich soil … they inspire a journey into new areas.  I really, really enJOYed creating one of the projects from UStamp With Love 2010 that I was inspired by at the time, but hadn’t made ~ a Designer Series Paper Card Holder and Matching Note Cards by Jenn Picard.  The process was new and challenging and thought provoking and a little bit complex but also very simple.  The outcome was FANTASTIC!  And, I think I have Fallen in Love all over again with the Pink Flamingo DSP from Stampin’ Up!

The same energy is going into my Angel Business.  This week, a flyer came from my local printing business and I am formulating new business cards.  I have decided to incorporate Fundraising for Charity into my events, to Give Back to Mother Earth and support the Environment and the Animals.  I have 3 one day workshops planned, with fabulous co-facilitators, to take place during the next 6 months, and meetings have been arranged so we can organise content and processes.  I have a wish list of Events to Attend ~ other people’s workshops which interest me and will allow me to access a whole lot of new information and concepts.  And, I have tentative dates for “Michelle Time”  which involve time out, nurturing & pampering sessions, and TRAVEL!

Cleansing and Clearing are a necessary part of Good Health and WellBeing.  They are a constant process … just when you get comfortable with the harmonious space, the cleansing and clearing process seems to need doing again.  I do think that comes from being a craft indulgent person.  LOL.  So, I put on some Fabulous Music, grab my Feather Duster, and dance through the cleansing/clearing/decluttering process ~ knowing I am actively working on Being JOYful!

A Journey through many years of … emotional upheaval … expectations of negative experiences … travelling the road less travelled … navigating the clear path.

Sometimes, actually, many times, we just want someone to Understand that we can’t be like they want us to be, but we are Loved all the same.  We want to be accepted for our uniqueness.  We want to be honoured and treated with dignity for our differences, rather than used as a battering ram for others to express their discomfort and distress and pain.

I want  … peace and happiness.

I want … understanding, and to make sense of my experiences.

I want … to be honoured for who I am.

I want … acknowledgement of the challenges life has thrown me.

I am angry about feeling excluded.  I am angry that others have received much more care and consideration than me.  I am angry that I suffered incredible emotional abuse during so much of the formative part of my life.  I am angry that I was expected to be accountable for my actions and yet others don’t have to be.

I have ~ the LOVE of Great Friends.

I have ~ the Compassion of lovely people, in ‘this’ part of my life, and from ‘that’ part of my life. 

I have ~ remarkable understanding of So Much of the metaphysical world.

I have ~ been Blessed with things and people too numerous to mention.

And, I am still sad.  Sad for me.  Sad for Me.  Sad for ME.

But, from tomorrow onwards, my Life of JOY will be back on track, if a bit slowly and a bit rocky, at times.  I have people to Love, people to Laugh with, people to Care about, people to Share the Exciting New Directions I am travelling in.

“With JOY“ is still the way I want to live my life … it’s still bubbling around deep down inside me. 

And that brings a Smile to my Soul.

It was much more sudden than I expected, although a long time coming considering the health challenges he had been living with for over 5 years.  The process of his death sounded peaceful and I am sad.  Sad for so many things. 

Sad for the loss of someone who had a very important part to play in my life.  Sad for all those affected by his passing.  Sad for the challenges I faced navigating the seas of pain and judgement from my extended family.  Very sad that persecution is still happening in the world.

However, I was Blessed to be surrounded by Very Special People during the course of the day of Dad’s death.  And, I find a smile on my face, in spite of the tears in my eyes, as I write. 

As I made my morning coffee, I was struck by the ‘little’ things ~ I watered my African Violets and remembered they came from Dad (many years ago).  My thoughts wandered down the path of other things I do or have which were ‘Dad’ ~ my LOVE of Fuschias; my love of Chinese food (bought and homemade); my memories of heated discussions about life, when I was growing up; our conversation after his operation for oesophageal cancer, about alternative medicine and philosophy of life; the plants in our garden which came from Dad …

And, the Lessons Learned from Dad … taking risks; following your heart; aggressively pursuing a course of action; being consistent; supporting others rights to believe what they believe; how to be True to Yourself; effective communication; living life as a square in a round hole; the importance of Being There for your kids …

After 40 odd years of grief and distress about my relationship with Dad, I have, just this week, reached a place of peace with him.  I am so grateful.  I understand why I had to live through such challenging times and have such challenging experiences … the Soul who was my dad has guided my journey in this lifetime more profoundly than I ever, ever realised.

And, I am Humbled.

Edited to add: My nephew was killed in a car accident in the early hours of this morning.  He was 20 1/2 years old,  and leaves a girlfriend and daughter … my Love and Compassion go to my brother and sister-in-law.

David is on his way home, today.  I am looking forward to seeing him – a lot!  I am not looking forward to sharing my bedroom with him, though.  I Like my space!  But, I guess it will be worth sharing because it means we are together, and the thing I have learned this week is that Responsibility Shared is Responsibility Halved.  Crises are significantly less intense when there is someone to share them with!!!!!  And even more manageable when that someone believes in you – even when you have a quite different perspective on, and approach to, life.

I think that the other thing I have learned is that Being Authentic, as I’ve been exploring with “Simple Abundance”, is Much Greater in concept than I have ever realised.  For years, I have been seeking the True ME … it’s been a Very Long, Very Intense, Very Frustrating process.  Over the last couple of days, in particular, I have discovered/realised that Being All That I Can Be is HUGE.  I believe that I have finally reached one of those Places of Peace, where I am accepting of the circumstances around me.  (Not a usual occurence in my life in the last few years.)

Yesterday, I had the vision of standing in the surf being battered by crashing waves.  The forces of the water were so strong that I really felt that maybe I should just lay down and body surf in with the waves, to shore.  Then, I realised that pylons which hold up jettys experience tidal forces, too, and they remain firm.  I ’saw’ myself standing in the waves, and noticed that they parted around me, and kept on with their destination, even though I was blocking some of the path.

At this Moment in Time, I am Happy and Accepting of  the choices I have made and the place I have reached in my heart.  I am still experiencing Grief and Sadness for a particularly difficult situation, but The Gift from this is that Thanks to My Father, I have been able to find my way clear of several lifetimes of baggage. 

And, I am Grateful.

And, appreciative.

Go in Peace, Dad.

Welcome Home, David!

Yesterday, David went to Sydney for his First Ever holiday alone!  WOW!  In our 21 years of marriage, David has only been away on business, never on a proper vacation.  I, on the other hand, have travelled quite a bit, in the last 5 years or so. 

This arrangement is way out of my comfort zone.  I do rely on David being around, just to talk to if for no other reason.  However, this is a fabulous occasion because David has never wanted to go away on his own before (well, apart from pre-Christmas ‘09 which is when he was supposed to go to Sydney but it just didn’t fit into all the happenings at the time).

And, it’s interesting the little thoughts which have crossed my awareness in the first hours of his departure.  The night before he left, I had the thought of “Oh, the bed is All Mine!”  Yesterday, after he left (and I got my brain engaged for the day after a HUGE Monday) I went upstairs to our bathroom and had the thought of “Ooh! It’s All Mine!”  Can you see a theme happening here?  LOL.

Apart from missing him – a lot, especially at this early time of the morning after a disrupted night’s sleep – I did have the awareness of just how busy my life as a wife and mother is.  I realised, more clearly than ever before, just how much time I spend thinking about David, what he’s doing, what he’d think about my plans, and just his general well-being.  It’s like he is a part of my head space, All The Time.  With him away, I have noticed that there is significantly more space for thoughts of things I want to do … I understand how Lovely Beverly always achieves so much when her husband is away.  It’s like there is less clutter in the corners of my mind. 

I also realised just how much work there is to do to keep the house and family running smoothly.  (groan)

I believe that David and I have become a bit complacent in our relationship.  I know that when I have been away, I come home all inspired about life and living (and usually need to catch up on some sleep!).  My world has moved at a much faster pace than the world I left behind at home.  I wonder if David will experience that when he comes home?

We are going to look at this time as an injection of ‘life’ into our relationship.  I am going to notice all the things which David brings into my life.  I know I am going to be Grateful that he is my husband and the father of my children.

And … I am going to bask in the glory of having My Own Space!  (just for a week or so )

So, I am sitting here at the computer, looking out the window at the 2 small rabbits bouncing around the front yard wondering where the ’silver lining’ is in this situation ~ while I re-type many of my words as my fingers are still shaking after the attack.

I guess the one ’silver lining’ is that I still feel that I am taking the right path in this situation, no matter how challenging it is.  I also know that Demonstrating Love and Compassion takes many forms and that physically stepping back in this instance, while right for me, is not necessarily going to be perceived as being right by others.

And, that’s where it comes down to being true to myself. 

And … realising that I am So Grateful that I have managed to stay removed – mostly – from those toxic extended family situations.

I am sending LOVE to all of us who are being challenged by Dad’s declining health, and feeling Gratitude that Dad is surrounded by so many people who care about him.