Joy Express

I have just had the realisation that sometimes one just wants someone to take one’s hand on the very difficult journey through the chaos of emotional battery.

A Journey through many years of … emotional upheaval … expectations of negative experiences … travelling the road less travelled … navigating the clear path.

Sometimes, actually, many times, we just want someone to Understand that we can’t be like they want us to be, but we are Loved all the same.  We want to be accepted for our uniqueness.  We want to be honoured and treated with dignity for our differences, rather than used as a battering ram for others to express their discomfort and distress and pain.

I want  … peace and happiness.

I want … understanding, and to make sense of my experiences.

I want … to be honoured for who I am.

I want … acknowledgement of the challenges life has thrown me.

I am angry about feeling excluded.  I am angry that others have received much more care and consideration than me.  I am angry that I suffered incredible emotional abuse during so much of the formative part of my life.  I am angry that I was expected to be accountable for my actions and yet others don’t have to be.

I have ~ the LOVE of Great Friends.

I have ~ the Compassion of lovely people, in ‘this’ part of my life, and from ‘that’ part of my life. 

I have ~ remarkable understanding of So Much of the metaphysical world.

I have ~ been Blessed with things and people too numerous to mention.

And, I am still sad.  Sad for me.  Sad for Me.  Sad for ME.

But, from tomorrow onwards, my Life of JOY will be back on track, if a bit slowly and a bit rocky, at times.  I have people to Love, people to Laugh with, people to Care about, people to Share the Exciting New Directions I am travelling in.

“With JOY“ is still the way I want to live my life … it’s still bubbling around deep down inside me. 

And that brings a Smile to my Soul.

Dad died, yesterday.

It was much more sudden than I expected, although a long time coming considering the health challenges he had been living with for over 5 years.  The process of his death sounded peaceful and I am sad.  Sad for so many things. 

Sad for the loss of someone who had a very important part to play in my life.  Sad for all those affected by his passing.  Sad for the challenges I faced navigating the seas of pain and judgement from my extended family.  Very sad that persecution is still happening in the world.

However, I was Blessed to be surrounded by Very Special People during the course of the day of Dad’s death.  And, I find a smile on my face, in spite of the tears in my eyes, as I write. 

As I made my morning coffee, I was struck by the ‘little’ things ~ I watered my African Violets and remembered they came from Dad (many years ago).  My thoughts wandered down the path of other things I do or have which were ‘Dad’ ~ my LOVE of Fuschias; my love of Chinese food (bought and homemade); my memories of heated discussions about life, when I was growing up; our conversation after his operation for oesophageal cancer, about alternative medicine and philosophy of life; the plants in our garden which came from Dad …

And, the Lessons Learned from Dad … taking risks; following your heart; aggressively pursuing a course of action; being consistent; supporting others rights to believe what they believe; how to be True to Yourself; effective communication; living life as a square in a round hole; the importance of Being There for your kids …

After 40 odd years of grief and distress about my relationship with Dad, I have, just this week, reached a place of peace with him.  I am so grateful.  I understand why I had to live through such challenging times and have such challenging experiences … the Soul who was my dad has guided my journey in this lifetime more profoundly than I ever, ever realised.

And, I am Humbled.

Edited to add: My nephew was killed in a car accident in the early hours of this morning.  He was 20 1/2 years old,  and leaves a girlfriend and daughter … my Love and Compassion go to my brother and sister-in-law.

What an interesting week it has been.  I am really happy to say that I have SURVIVED!  YAY!  I was very anxious going into this arrangement ~ old programming as much as anything ~ but this year has brought a new pattern of thinking … when I get anxious about something (which occurs often) I am honouring that anxiety, taking a breath, and really looking at what I am anxious about, and why.  “Ease & Grace” Wild Woman helped me recognise that process and also reminded me, in a completely ‘off the cuff’ way, that I could change that behaviour.  Wow!

David is on his way home, today.  I am looking forward to seeing him – a lot!  I am not looking forward to sharing my bedroom with him, though.  I Like my space!  But, I guess it will be worth sharing because it means we are together, and the thing I have learned this week is that Responsibility Shared is Responsibility Halved.  Crises are significantly less intense when there is someone to share them with!!!!!  And even more manageable when that someone believes in you – even when you have a quite different perspective on, and approach to, life.

I think that the other thing I have learned is that Being Authentic, as I’ve been exploring with “Simple Abundance”, is Much Greater in concept than I have ever realised.  For years, I have been seeking the True ME … it’s been a Very Long, Very Intense, Very Frustrating process.  Over the last couple of days, in particular, I have discovered/realised that Being All That I Can Be is HUGE.  I believe that I have finally reached one of those Places of Peace, where I am accepting of the circumstances around me.  (Not a usual occurence in my life in the last few years.)

Yesterday, I had the vision of standing in the surf being battered by crashing waves.  The forces of the water were so strong that I really felt that maybe I should just lay down and body surf in with the waves, to shore.  Then, I realised that pylons which hold up jettys experience tidal forces, too, and they remain firm.  I ’saw’ myself standing in the waves, and noticed that they parted around me, and kept on with their destination, even though I was blocking some of the path.

At this Moment in Time, I am Happy and Accepting of  the choices I have made and the place I have reached in my heart.  I am still experiencing Grief and Sadness for a particularly difficult situation, but The Gift from this is that Thanks to My Father, I have been able to find my way clear of several lifetimes of baggage. 

And, I am Grateful.

And, appreciative.

Go in Peace, Dad.

Welcome Home, David!

Yesterday, David went to Sydney for his First Ever holiday alone!  WOW!  In our 21 years of marriage, David has only been away on business, never on a proper vacation.  I, on the other hand, have travelled quite a bit, in the last 5 years or so. 

This arrangement is way out of my comfort zone.  I do rely on David being around, just to talk to if for no other reason.  However, this is a fabulous occasion because David has never wanted to go away on his own before (well, apart from pre-Christmas ‘09 which is when he was supposed to go to Sydney but it just didn’t fit into all the happenings at the time).

And, it’s interesting the little thoughts which have crossed my awareness in the first hours of his departure.  The night before he left, I had the thought of “Oh, the bed is All Mine!”  Yesterday, after he left (and I got my brain engaged for the day after a HUGE Monday) I went upstairs to our bathroom and had the thought of “Ooh! It’s All Mine!”  Can you see a theme happening here?  LOL.

Apart from missing him – a lot, especially at this early time of the morning after a disrupted night’s sleep – I did have the awareness of just how busy my life as a wife and mother is.  I realised, more clearly than ever before, just how much time I spend thinking about David, what he’s doing, what he’d think about my plans, and just his general well-being.  It’s like he is a part of my head space, All The Time.  With him away, I have noticed that there is significantly more space for thoughts of things I want to do … I understand how Lovely Beverly always achieves so much when her husband is away.  It’s like there is less clutter in the corners of my mind. 

I also realised just how much work there is to do to keep the house and family running smoothly.  (groan)

I believe that David and I have become a bit complacent in our relationship.  I know that when I have been away, I come home all inspired about life and living (and usually need to catch up on some sleep!).  My world has moved at a much faster pace than the world I left behind at home.  I wonder if David will experience that when he comes home?

We are going to look at this time as an injection of ‘life’ into our relationship.  I am going to notice all the things which David brings into my life.  I know I am going to be Grateful that he is my husband and the father of my children.

And … I am going to bask in the glory of having My Own Space!  (just for a week or so )

“JOY Express” is supposed to be a place of sharing Joy-ful experiences, well at least a little more on the uplifting side if not always JOY-filled.  However, this morning I opened emails to find an attack from my step sister about how I am managing (or not managing) my relationship with my father.  I intensely dislike receiving written communication – in any form – which criticises me and tells me how poor my behaviour is.

So, I am sitting here at the computer, looking out the window at the 2 small rabbits bouncing around the front yard wondering where the ’silver lining’ is in this situation ~ while I re-type many of my words as my fingers are still shaking after the attack.

I guess the one ’silver lining’ is that I still feel that I am taking the right path in this situation, no matter how challenging it is.  I also know that Demonstrating Love and Compassion takes many forms and that physically stepping back in this instance, while right for me, is not necessarily going to be perceived as being right by others.

And, that’s where it comes down to being true to myself. 

And … realising that I am So Grateful that I have managed to stay removed – mostly – from those toxic extended family situations.

I am sending LOVE to all of us who are being challenged by Dad’s declining health, and feeling Gratitude that Dad is surrounded by so many people who care about him.