I decided not to go to Perth.  I decided to HONOUR ME.  Although, I must say that I took a very circuitous route to the realisation that Honouring ME was actually more important than attending a workshop (even though I was really looking forward to it) or being with some Very Special Friends.

Honouring ME is something I am not very practised at.  It’s not something I learned in those formative years of my life, nor do I see that particular behaviour modelled by people around me.  As a result, I am muddling through with the learning process.  This time, it took Me talking to me while I was talking to a dear friend ~ very convoluted, but effective. 

At first I expected that all the tears would magically dry up because the stresses of what my ‘head’ thought I should do compared with what my ‘heart’ knew I should do were eased.  Humpf!  That lasted all of a few hours.  I still woke up and wandered through my day with tears very close to the surface.  Then … I was gifted with a Day On My Own.  This is a Really Big Thing in my world, at the moment.  David is working from home so my old routine of many hours to myself has changed to a new routine of very few hours to myself.

The Gift of Space (energetically and physically) allowed me to find my centre again.  It allowed me to tune in to what makes my heart sing.  It allowed me to Acknowledge my grieving status but to also Celebrate What I Love.  It allowed me time and space to remember that I have Lovely Friends in my life and they are all needing,  or deserving, acknowledgement.  After all, I should be Really Aware of this because it’s exactly what I want!

My “Grieving Therapy” of stamping has provided me with a lovely stash of cards and I have posted 2 birthday cards this week, and 5 ‘Acknowledgement’ cards.  Congratulations Acknowledgement for my Stampin’ Sister Jenny’s New Recruit; Divine Being Acknowledgement for a Dear Angel Friend; Reconnecting Acknowledgement for a Special Friend who is also grieving and going to come to Angel Lunch, next week; Thank You Acknowledgement to Friends who gave me flowers; and Acknowledgement to my Dear Friend who is finding Life very demanding.

For Me, it’s very important to Acknowledge Life.  These people want to Feel Special and Unique and Valued.  Don’t we all?  I receive Great JOY when I send a handmade card.  I receive Great JOY when I make a card from out of my head, or copy it from the SU! catalog, or copy it from an Inspired Stamping Blogger.  I post my card with LOVE ~ Love Energy goes into the making, into the presentation, into decorating the envelope, into how I drop it into the mail box.  I imagine it flying away to my Friends, with Angels Wings.

I realise that this process is a form of Ceremony.  I am realising the importance of Closure and Peace and Acknowledgement and Nurture and Sharing the JOY … for me, for my Friends, for Dad.  My Dad died.  I am sad.  It is time for the Ceremony of Acknowledgement and Closure. 

And then, it is time for the Ceremony for ME ~ the Acknowledgement of My Journey; the Acknowledgement of My Grief; and the Acknowledgement of My Healing.

It’s a Journey.  It’s My Journey.  And I am making the rules.

Yesterday, I had the thought that I seem to want to write when I am in a highly emotional state.  I guess that’s logical given that the intensity of feeling just pours out of me … like tears, really.  Then, when I am not feeling strongly emotional ~ in happiness or sadness ~ I don’t have the urge to write.  Hmm.

A wise man said to me recently that when one has a reaction to a situation then has an awareness which is the opposite of that reaction, turmoil ensues.  That’s my life in a nutshell.  I am a Gemini ~ two brains/heads is an absolute bonus in so many ways, but it’s also the greatest source of challenge!  I sometimes need to be able to step out of myself so I can talk clearly to myself, if you understand that.  

I’ve spent my life being angry and resentful of my father, then during the process of his death and after he died, I was made aware of the incredible pure love and essence of that soul and how instrumental our relationship has been for me to become who I am today.  Another source of inner turmoil.

And then, there is how I see me and how others see me.  I do wonder if everyone experiences that? 

The upside of this Awareness is that I have discovered a lot about my Authentic Self.  I know how I want to approach life and the people who cross my path.  I know what is appropriate behaviour ~ communication and physical ~ for me to assume.  I know what being Honourable and Genuine and Aware are all about.  I understand, although struggle with the acceptance of  it, why people behave the way they do; to me (of recent times), especially.  I understand that being told that I am not responding appropriately to the dying process of my father is just a way of saying “I am in pain.”  I understand that being told I am responsible for someone’s emotional breakdown to the extent of needing alternative therapies support, is just that I was the ‘last straw’ or ‘catalyst’ for that day’s fallout.

I understand, but I have been hurt.  Deeply.

I also know that from Great Challenge comes Great Learning.  [Gosh, I think my life has been FULL of 'great challenge'!] I also know that once the learning has been achieved, there are Great Rewards.  The reward from Dad’s death?  The Awareness of the Unconditional Love his Soul has for my Soul.  But … the cost has been Very High and my human side is not quite at a point of being able to make peace with that, yet.

So until then, I cry when I need to cry and I stamp for creative nurturing.  I hang out with people who love me and understand that I am still grieving and I attempt to learn how to nurture myself.  I continue to ‘tweak’ my wellbeing ~ a kinesiologist visit, latte appointments, personal training,  You Tube “FUN” moments ~ whatever is needed at the time.  I will be Well, again.  And, God Help Me, the tears will finally stop flowing so strongly!

Today’s FUN moment ~ The Twist!  Check it out!!

When I was much younger, my mother told me that it was up to me to act with dignity around others ‘less fortunate’ than me – well, I think that “dignity” was what she was asking me to use.  And, mostly I had to drag out my “I didn’t know I had but obviously I do have” dignity skills with people who weren’t quite as ‘aware’ as we were.  I remember being Most Resentful that I, at the age of 18 or 19, had to act as if I was the adult when around adults who were acting as if they were children.

This really didn’t seem fair to me, at the time.

Mum had a very proper approach to life and we were going to learn it, too, even if it nearly sent her grey in the process – which it very nearly did!  I think Acting with Dignity came at the same time as “Please use a spoon for the jam, and another spoon for the cream!” rule when eating scones.

In the last couple of weeks, I have found myself Acting with Dignity, although I think I have only just realised that that is what I have been doing.  According to the dictionary, Dignity means:

1. The quality or state of being worthy of esteem or respect.                                                                                                                    

 2. Inherent nobility and worth: the dignity of honest labor.                                                                                                                     

3. a. Poise and self-respect. b. Stateliness and formality in manner and appearance.

Family trauma and tragedy is a golden opportunity for festering issues to take hold and GROW.  Once upon a time, I would have been delighted to feed that growth and create a forest of emotional angst and drama.  In the days before I knew what made ‘Michelle’ tick, when Ignorance really was Bliss, I just knew that if I was hurting then everyone around me should be supporting and caring for me, helping me to feel better again. 

A very simplistic and ‘immediate’ approach to life.

As I have aged, and become more experienced & understanding of the “Ways of Michelle”, I have learned about respecting how other people may be feeling.  I have learned that maintaining Respect and Compassion during times of incredible distress is of paramount importance.  And, I have learned that people Grieve in many different ways. 

I have learned the Art of Dignity. (And, I did thank mum, recently, for the lesson well learned many years ago, even though this is the first time I have consciously realised it.)

The definition of “Dignity” as “Poise and Self-Respect” has been very much in play this last week or so.  And, I really am Grateful that it’s now an ‘automatic’ response for me.  If it hadn’t been, my family would have been in even more chaos than they are.  I am ANGRY.  And, I am SAD.  And, I MISS MY DAD!  And I want to lash out – at no one, or no thing in particular.  I just don’t want to be feeling this way.  And, I want my grieving process to Be ALL Mine!  I don’t want to be aware or supportive of others and their grieving.

The Art of Dignity allows me to maintain that supportive and compassionate role towards others, and allows me to be angry for myself – that’s the “self-respect” side of this process.  Each day, a new ‘layer’ of grieving appears; and each day, I gather the tools and knowledge I have discovered over the last 45 years and I battle or nurture as needed.  I have worked really hard to reach this place of peace and acceptance of “Michelle” ~ a battle hard fought and hard won.  I am able to maintain my dignity during these very traumatic times and … I am Grateful.

I received a link to this amazing clip on YouTube from Simone Matthews at Universal Life Tools … people from 156 different countries of the world performing “All You Need Is Love“.

Be warned – I needed a tissue.  But, it was awesome, too.

… having as much fun as you can before somebody stops you!

This fabulous message came through as part of a bigger ‘Wishes for the New Year’ email and I chuckled when I read it.  It reminds me, firstly, of Davine’s approach to the year regarding Having Fun, and it also reminded me of those errant children who know exactly how to have fun but often get into trouble with ‘responsible’ adults.

I do find it really easy to get caught up in the ‘responsible adult’ thing so this is a Very Timely Message for me.  I think I will take a leaf out of Rachelle Charman’s book and plan on indulging a Belly Laugh today.  That’s because it’s the most fun I can think of and Laughter helps you to Live Longer.

Live. Laugh. Love.