While being sidetracked on creating cards, chocolate covers, double pocket purses etc, I have been trying to ignore the “5 Year Plan” thoughts … I just don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing and I am even a bit scared of committing to doing something ‘just in case’ it goes awry.

But, I didn’t realise that those things I mentioned before were even possible in my “10 Year Vision” (this is why it’s great to go and have an Angel or Tarot Reading – it stimulates those otherwise dormant thoughts about what you might like to achieve in life).

I’ve been thinking about what I could set as goals for the next 6 months, what I am likely to achieve between now and the end of the year, and I find myself, yet again, reticent to Make a Commitment.

Why is that?

My artistic/creative side doesn’t like to be ‘locked in’ and it’s influencing my decisions a LOT, at the moment.  I am So Inspired to Be Creative!  Being Practical has been a challenge although I think I am able to ‘convince’ my Creative ME that my Practical ME needs a little time, today … cleaning, and Angel Workshop Preparation, MUST be a priority. LOL. [I can hear Creative ME already: "but, but, but ..."]

So, an easier way to commit myself to something is to think about what life may look like in 5 years time … it’s sufficiently far enough away that I can’t feel threatened by the commitment or the Fear of Success issues I experience or anything else.

In 5 year’s time …

my health will be in Great Shape

I will have a consistent income and be well on my way to being Financially Independent

I will have travelled to all the parts of Australia that I have ever wanted to see

I will be Living My JOY and Sharing that JOY with many people around me

Kels will be close to the end of her schooling and I will be close to the end of my more immediate parenting responsibilities

I will have my own car

My business premises will be organised/arranged and I will be in the process of refining my team of practitioners

I/we will be Giving Back to the Community ~ not sure how, yet

“Expressing JOY” will be my mantra.

Gosh! It still amazes me what comes through when I write these lists of thoughts about life in the future.  I feel they are a bit repetitive but that’s where my life is at, right now.  A lot of my ‘holding back’ comes from having a 12 year old who still needs her mother’s involvement (although not as much as before ) and that will naturally change as time moves forward.

Hmm.

Food for thought.

Maybe I might be able to think about what I want to achieve for the rest of this year now that I have broken down the next 10 years a little bit. 

By the end of the year I will have …

I know a lot.  I know a lot about a few specific things.  David knows a lot.  He knows a lot about a lot of things.

What I didn’t know was just how hard living with your choices and decisions can be. 

I also didn’t know how amazing the feeling of Freedom would be.

I am free of all the constraints and shackles I have worn for 45 years of life.

It may not be the day to talk about it, given Joel’s birthday, but I am grateful that Joel and Dad ‘went’ together.  I am comforted by the scene in my mind which had a battered and crippled young man hobbling through into the light while supporting, and being supported by, an old man at the end of his life.  I like the harmony of that image.

Dad is now free.  Free of the challenges of living with a body which had been turned inside out and upside down after his cancer operation several years earlier.  He is in the ’spirit’ world, fit and healthy ~ well, almost.    He’s looking out for his grandson, who is also healing and being healed. 

And, I am Free, too.

Thank God!

I am Free from distress and anxiety and anger and sadness and being controlled.  I am Free from feeling unsafe. My adult life has been filled with stuff, all connected to the choices and decisions I have made given the choices and decisions dad made with regards to me, and himself.  I don’t miss him at all.  His physical presence in my lifetime was all about controlling me, about me behaving in a way that he saw as appropriate.  It was about ‘do as I say’ rather than ‘do as I do’.

I feel like a helium balloon, floating on a long, long string.  It’s Blissful.  I am able to make choices and decisions which are All Mine.  They are not coloured by dad …

That sense of Freedom is so, so precious to me.  I am very grateful that Dad has died.  I am very grateful for the learning and awareness I have received as a result.  We have a much better relationship now.  I think of him often.  I remember the things he taught me.  And, I appreciate all those things which were ‘wrong’ about me (in Dad’s eyes) because they have made me who I am today.  I am Grateful because I Love Who I Am and I Love Where I Am At in my life.

It only took 45 years. 

And, finally, I am Free.

This is what I LOVE.

Being in this energy/space gives me a jumping off point for ‘painting a picture’  of what my life will look like in 2020 …

I will be 56 years old;

My kids will be 29, 26 1/2 & 22 (Gosh!!);

David will be 56 almost 57;

We will be living in our current home but in the process of relocating;

We will be traveling overseas at least once a year;

David will be my business manager and continuing his “Rock God” path, on the side;

I will be handing over the reigns of my company/business to a trusted employee which will free me up for travelling;

I will be considering a new book contract;

I will be fit and healthy ~ exercise will be a regular and committed process, maybe including personal training and yoga; I will enJOY spending time with Stillness allowing my mental health daily ‘time out’;  I will have a regular committment to working in the garden, getting my hands dirty and being renewed in energy and good health; I will have clear and constant access to all things spiritual and have integrated “5D” with “3D” realities; my diet will fulfill all my needs and be Easy;

I will own my own car ~ something mid-sized and sporty;

I will be Financially Independent;

I will be embarking on the adventures of a lifetime ~ Great Love and Journeys with David.

Goodness!  How Inspiring!  Is that REALLY how my life will be in 10 years time???

Like Daniel starting out on his life’s journey, I am sure that things will change between now and then.  The important thing is to Step Forward Strongly.  Make a Committment to something and go out and get it. 

When I think about where I am at now – July, 2010 – I realise that my life is pretty darn good.  But, having just done this process of Creating a Picture about where I will be in 10 years time (in essence, giving myself a ‘reading’), I realise that having a destination really does help with focusing and grounding my thoughts and plans.

Daniel sets weekly goals with his team … what he wants to achieve in sales for the week.  They are revisited each day, then reset each new week.

It’s probably time that I set some serious goals … not just ‘everyday’ goals like planning dinners or getting through the washing each week, but something which really focuses on the bigger picture.  Kels has been watching Macleod’s Daughters over the holidays and when Kate Manfredi arrives at Drover’s Run one of the first things she does is put her “5 Year Plan” poster on the wall.  That’s always appealed to me.  Maybe it’s time I did “Michelle’s 5 Year Plan”.

Hmmm.  Food for Thought.

How does my Life Look in 5 Years Time?

I’m not sure I can, either.

The only thing I know for sure is that I am on the path that I really, really want to be on, and I am journeying towards – what?  Doing “Lightworker” business full time?  Being Fully Engaged in my Career? Travelling? Earning a Living doing Readings and Workshops?

I guess it’s a bit of all of that.

When Daniel was in the process of leaving school, he was considering exactly this question.  He looked around at people whom he admired and talked to them about their lives, successes and challenges, and formed a picture of the direction in which he’d like to head.  He had a goal of whom he wanted to be like, by the time he was 40. 

This was an excellent process to go through because it gave him a direction to begin with once he’d left school. 

Twelve months later, he has a new direction and a new ‘destination’, and that’s ok.  Because the whole point of asking the question, “Where Do I Want to Be in 10 Years Time?”, is to find a path to start travelling.  The beauty of the path is that lots of options appear as you travel it … side streets, hills, mountains, valleys, new people, different situations … just like travelling in a city or country town.  There are always things to see on the way and choices which can be made, sometimes redefining the original direction, sometimes just making it more interesting.

So, Where Do YOU See Yourself in 10 Years Time?

What Makes You Happy?

Where Do You See Yourself in 10 Years Time?

What qualities in your partner convinced you to marry him/her?

Do You Believe You Are MAGNIFICENT?

Can You Say “I Am Magnificent”?

And, I guess what amazes me about asking these questions is that most people I meet can’t answer them.

Can YOU?

Yesterday, I decided to be ORGANISED.  I started a To Do List, which had 2 items on it by 6am (I’d been up for over an hour by that time, and blogged, and decided to Get Organised in a more ‘organised’ way ).  By 7.45am, I had cleaned the shower, washed my hair, got dressed for the day, answered emails, played a game of Spider Solitaire, completed 2/3 of my first UStamp project, waved goodbye to Daniel, kissed & waved goodbye to David, and made a quiche.

As I was cleaning the shower (thinking that it would be so much better if the environmentally friendly cleaning products worked as easily and efficiently as the non-environmentally friendly products) I remembered why I like cleaning.  I LOVE the end result.  IT MAKES ME HAPPY.

Walking into my bedroom with a freshly made bed or walking into the bathroom and seeing a sparkling clean shower allows a SMILE to cross my face.

Cooking something yummy for lunch allows me to feel FULFILLED … I am honouring myself (and my good eating habits), I am providing homecooked food for my family, and I am working to my ’strengths’ – I achieve better and enJOY doing things if I do them early in the day!

These are little everyday things which bring me JOY.  It doesn’t mean that I rush about cleaning my shower or baking every morning.  But it does mean that I notice what makes me Happy and I try and do those kinds of things more often.

When I am Happy, Anything is Possible!

So, I ask YOU … What Makes You Happy?

Thank goodness, the first day of the Challenge was Simple and Easy to Achieve (mostly!), and almost feels like I have had a holiday.  The Lovely Stamping girls came over to get a head start on our Christmas Cards and we were Highly Successful with our achievements!  I have 6 cards started and just need to do the inserts and envelopes to finish. 

We had several new design ideas to make up: Bernie has done mine, Tricia did one of Jenny’s and Bernie & I did the other. 

I really enJOYed having the Girls here and having a change of energy ~ creative rather than angelic! 

I’ve checked in with the other Challengers and Lovely Beverly spent the day fixing her house’s sewerage system, with the help of her husband and father – Way To Go, Beverly!!!  Makes my bathroom cleaning seem quite a tiny project! 

The thing I like most about challenges is stepping into being accountable, achieving those tasks that might not have got done otherwise and having to tell the others what I’ve done.  So, the bathroom would have been mostly cleaned, yesterday, but I would have skipped the shower as I was Really Tired by the end of the day, if I hadn’t had to Tell the Girls that I hadn’t achieved my goal for the day. 

Sometimes, it’s quite beneficial to have to ‘check in’.

Now, in the early start to Day 2 of the Challenge, I actually feel quite pleased with myself because I went out of my way to achieve my goals, yesterday!  Woo Hoo!

Ted leaves us with a question; a question you can ask yourself in answer to another question: “How do you make each day productive?” 

“Is there one who is glad I have lived?”

For those of us who are parents, this question has an obvious answer.  Yes.  The kids may not realise the magnificence of YOU or what you provide for them, but they are glad you are in their lives … especially when you drive to the car shop – twice – to pay for car servicing/key collecting/key returning/key collecting/paying of second bill … or order ‘twisty’ balloons for gigs because you have a credit card … or go shopping, even when all you really want to do is stay home and doze on the couch, because there are birthday gift vouchers to be spent … or you get up super early to make sure you have your coffee before the morning dash to the station at 5.50am (even when you find out, 3/4 of the way through coffee, that your services aren’t needed this morning, ’cause I am going to drive) …

But, what about ME?  What about ME, the person?  Not ME, the mum, or ME, the wife … ME, the amazing, unique, spectacular individual who oftentimes struggles with anxiety, frustration, feeling run down and locked in … how do I make each day productive?  Is there someone out there who is glad I have lived?

Yes.

There is.

And, yesterday, I had 2 ’someones’ who were appreciative, grateful even, that I am here.

I made a difference to a person who came for a reading quite lost with life.  This same person, after lots of talking, listening and Angel Cards, and a few tears, left with a smile and much lighter view of life.  I know I ‘did good’!

I made a difference to another person with a ’spur-of-the-moment drop in and give you a hug’ visit.

These people are glad that I have lived.  I felt productive and connected to what Makes My Heart Sing.  They allowed me to tap into that Wellspring of JOY and Love that lives within all of us. 

I know that each day brings an obvious answer to that question and I am excited to see what today brings.  Knowing that I am Being Productive, that I am able to touch another’s life with JOY, reminds me that I am growing and evolving … even if my day only involves being Mum.

I am intrigued by the concepts Liz explores in her journey to Make Peace with Marriage … it’s thought provoking on so many levels, not the least of which is the idea that Marriage is ‘healthier’ and more beneficial for men than for women.  In fact, women seem to be better off single!

Last night David was out at a concert with the ‘Rock God’ Guys and earlier in the day I was thinking/planning the afternoon and evening, mostly about dinner arrangements, when it hit me: how easy is it when David goes out?!  I felt a sense of Freedom which comes from ‘being in charge’, knowing that the kids didn’t care what time we ate or even what we would eat for dinner.  They were happy doing their own things … there was no pressure to get chores done or dinner ready for when David walked in, or even to ‘eat healthy’.  Wow!

The journey of reading this book has given me the opportunity to really think about what I get from ‘being married’ and how it impacts on my choices.  Actually, I guess that technically it is more about ‘being committed’ to someone rather than ‘being married’ ’cause I haven’t quite worked out what difference ’signing the piece of paper’ makes to my experiences, yet.

This year, I have discovered that David resides in my brain, with the ‘2′ Michelles (’cause I’m a Gemini and already have the equivalent of 2 heads!), and that makes for a very full house.  The kids don’t seem to need as many gigabytes of memory ~ they reside in much smaller files, possibly because they are still ‘emerging’ personalities and, in the long run, they will go off and do what they need/want to do and I won’t be as involved with them.  David, on the other hand, is here for the long haul. 

In the early days, David was my Safe Place … he allowed me to ‘be ME’ and he loved me.  He nurtured my very under-developed ability to Feel Secure and provided a safe haven for me to return to whenever I felt threatened (which was pretty much all of the time although most people ‘on the outside’ probably wouldn’t have known that).

He has obviously done a good job because the ‘current’ Michelle is pretty secure and confident and able to manage so much more without the tumultuous emotional challenges of the early days.  Which brings me to the thoughts about ‘how did we end up here?”  “Here” being me feeling like I can only really make a decision about anything, after consulting “David in my head”!  That’s probably a little extreme but I’m sure you understand my point.  As an at home mum, without an income, without the normal ‘praise’ and ‘recognition’ garnered by working at a job (which has an appropriate rate of pay) some of my confidence and empowerment has been severely underdeveloped.  It’s nobody’s fault.  It’s just how things were/are.  But … now I am realising that, like maintaining relationships, the ‘at home parent’/'working parent’ arrangement also would benefit from some serious consideration before entering into the contract.  I may have been able to save myself a LOT of anguish if we had considered the roles we were taking on in the family, at the beginning.

Maybe David would have benefitted, too.  I actually don’t know what it’s like to have to provide for the family; to go to work day in, day out, no matter how you are feeling; to be the ‘anchor’ for this unit of people; to be the ‘backstop’ for me …

But, this post is about ME ~ LOL ~ so while I will acknowledge David’s part in our lives as being essential, it’s really about my sense of Freedom.  I haven’t quite got sorted on that, yet, although it’s flowing with greater ease since I started working at something I LOVE and being Paid Accordingly … yes!  It brings a much greater sense of my own power.

So, while I acknowledge the essential role that being married/committed has played in my growth and development ~ I absolutely would not be who I am today without David in my life ~ I am now exploring how to reach the ‘balance’ of being ME and being US.  

Hmm.  Further reading is required!

I have been really intrigued about what new things would be coming in to my life, this month.  And, I have not been disappointed!  Movement is afoot and I’m loving the changes - well, mostly. 

David is back to “Outside the House Paid Employment” as compared with “Working from Home Paid Employment” and that’s fantastic.  He is able to have all those social elements that happen with going ‘out’ to work, as well as the mental stimulation which comes with bigger projects and more stimulating environments.  With David’s new ‘Beginning’, I realise that the time has come for me to stand on my own two feet, again, which is a bit daunting from an emotional perspective as David has been instrumental as my main (and often “only”) support person during my grieving process.  But, it’s a new Beginning for me, too.

Of course, Beginnings can only come after Endings, and our ‘ending’ is our time together.  I rely on David for so much, more so when the kids were little and I was living a ‘less empowered’ life.  After a few months of him being readily accessible and available, it’s taking some adjustment for both of us to find the new path through all the ’stuff’ now in our lives so that we can still have ‘our’ time.

Our priority, this week, and maybe for a few more days/weeks after that is to find a routine that allows us to have some quality time together.  Life is incredibly busy and we are going in different directions so “Our” time is going to be a bit hard to find.  We will, though, because one of the things we’ve learned over the last couple of years is that time for US is of the utmost importance if we want to look forward to a harmonious relationship with each other now and once the kids have all left home.  Ahhh.

Since attending Animal Dreaming, last year, I have been experiencing a whirlwind of tumultuous circumstances; it’s what happens when you adopt the attitude of “Bring it On!”  Mostly, I have been happy to address all those things or issues which have been holding me back from being All That I Can Be.  Some of them have been significantly harder, and more traumatic, than I expected, but that is normal in my experience.  Great Learning is Rewarded with Great Gifts (a completely subjective comment but accurate in my experience).

“Anxiety” is my current, and continuing, challenge.  I’ve been ‘anxious’ since forever.  I felt that it was more of a challenge when I was very young as it seemed to always be a source of annoyance and irritation in my family … it certainly was in my head, too!!  Looking back over my life, it’s the single most consistent issue that’s always been there. 

Yesterday, I was given a little more insight to my issues with anxiety by Lovely Karen.  We met for a workshop preparation coffee (we’re facilitating an introductory Angel workshop in July called “Let’s Talk Angels”) and Karen pointed out to me that my anxiety was connected to my issues regarding abandonment.  That is something I’ve been working through since Dad died … it really is intriguing how a child’s mind can interpret something in a particular way which then translates to ‘abandonment’ as she gets older.  I have struggled with ‘being left’ and having to ‘cope alone’ for as long as I can remember.  The side effects of that seem to involve lots of ‘anxiety in anticipation’ – becoming anxious about things which haven’t actually occurred but could happen.  My Gemini brain ~ being a super-fast operator ~ then associates that with not being wanted, and being abandoned.  Very clever of it, really, but also very annoying.  This is quite debilitating to live with, from my perspective and from David’s (who watches me go through this every time something new comes up!).

Karen gave me a technique to try which involves dumping the ’stuff’ out of my head, into the Earth.  She told me to Get Grounded, Seal myself in Golden Light, then Dump away.  And, I did.  I had a few minutes spare before personal training, yesterday, so sat outside in my herb garden and Dumped.  What was really interesting was how disconnected my head felt from my body at the beginning of the process and how much more connected I felt as I dumped the anxiety out.  I felt like my head was elongated and stuck up high in the sky with a big gap between it and the rest of my body.  As I dumped out of my head, I felt relief in my solar plexus area (our place of power and self) … in fact, I felt empowered.  WOW! 

In my repertoire of Strategies for Managing Michelle this has been added to the top of the list, along with Nurture, Rest, and Good Eating.  Ten minutes of acknowledging my fear, then dumping it, has allowed me a tiny insight into just how fabulous I can feel if I approach my Anxiety with the same attitude as I approach anything else.  Acknowledgement, Acceptance, Detachment.  Woo Hoo!