Joy Express

Gosh, I am Tired!  It’s accumulated tiredness from weeks and weeks (months) of ’stuff.  I am so due for a holiday!

Thank goodness, the first day of the Challenge was Simple and Easy to Achieve (mostly!), and almost feels like I have had a holiday.  The Lovely Stamping girls came over to get a head start on our Christmas Cards and we were Highly Successful with our achievements!  I have 6 cards started and just need to do the inserts and envelopes to finish. 

We had several new design ideas to make up: Bernie has done mine, Tricia did one of Jenny’s and Bernie & I did the other. 

I really enJOYed having the Girls here and having a change of energy ~ creative rather than angelic! 

I’ve checked in with the other Challengers and Lovely Beverly spent the day fixing her house’s sewerage system, with the help of her husband and father – Way To Go, Beverly!!!  Makes my bathroom cleaning seem quite a tiny project! 

The thing I like most about challenges is stepping into being accountable, achieving those tasks that might not have got done otherwise and having to tell the others what I’ve done.  So, the bathroom would have been mostly cleaned, yesterday, but I would have skipped the shower as I was Really Tired by the end of the day, if I hadn’t had to Tell the Girls that I hadn’t achieved my goal for the day. 

Sometimes, it’s quite beneficial to have to ‘check in’.

Now, in the early start to Day 2 of the Challenge, I actually feel quite pleased with myself because I went out of my way to achieve my goals, yesterday!  Woo Hoo!

A few days ago, I finished Ted Andrews’ book, How to Uncover Your Past Lives … an easy and informative read for anyone interested in exploring past life stuff. 

Ted leaves us with a question; a question you can ask yourself in answer to another question: “How do you make each day productive?” 

“Is there one who is glad I have lived?”

For those of us who are parents, this question has an obvious answer.  Yes.  The kids may not realise the magnificence of YOU or what you provide for them, but they are glad you are in their lives … especially when you drive to the car shop – twice – to pay for car servicing/key collecting/key returning/key collecting/paying of second bill … or order ‘twisty’ balloons for gigs because you have a credit card … or go shopping, even when all you really want to do is stay home and doze on the couch, because there are birthday gift vouchers to be spent … or you get up super early to make sure you have your coffee before the morning dash to the station at 5.50am (even when you find out, 3/4 of the way through coffee, that your services aren’t needed this morning, ’cause I am going to drive) …

But, what about ME?  What about ME, the person?  Not ME, the mum, or ME, the wife … ME, the amazing, unique, spectacular individual who oftentimes struggles with anxiety, frustration, feeling run down and locked in … how do I make each day productive?  Is there someone out there who is glad I have lived?

Yes.

There is.

And, yesterday, I had 2 ’someones’ who were appreciative, grateful even, that I am here.

I made a difference to a person who came for a reading quite lost with life.  This same person, after lots of talking, listening and Angel Cards, and a few tears, left with a smile and much lighter view of life.  I know I ‘did good’!

I made a difference to another person with a ’spur-of-the-moment drop in and give you a hug’ visit.

These people are glad that I have lived.  I felt productive and connected to what Makes My Heart Sing.  They allowed me to tap into that Wellspring of JOY and Love that lives within all of us. 

I know that each day brings an obvious answer to that question and I am excited to see what today brings.  Knowing that I am Being Productive, that I am able to touch another’s life with JOY, reminds me that I am growing and evolving … even if my day only involves being Mum.

I am still reading “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert and, thankfully, there have been no more overwhelming urges to divorce David!  LOL.  I think that part of the book really tapped into some serious Past Life Issues!

I am intrigued by the concepts Liz explores in her journey to Make Peace with Marriage … it’s thought provoking on so many levels, not the least of which is the idea that Marriage is ‘healthier’ and more beneficial for men than for women.  In fact, women seem to be better off single!

Last night David was out at a concert with the ‘Rock God’ Guys and earlier in the day I was thinking/planning the afternoon and evening, mostly about dinner arrangements, when it hit me: how easy is it when David goes out?!  I felt a sense of Freedom which comes from ‘being in charge’, knowing that the kids didn’t care what time we ate or even what we would eat for dinner.  They were happy doing their own things … there was no pressure to get chores done or dinner ready for when David walked in, or even to ‘eat healthy’.  Wow!

The journey of reading this book has given me the opportunity to really think about what I get from ‘being married’ and how it impacts on my choices.  Actually, I guess that technically it is more about ‘being committed’ to someone rather than ‘being married’ ’cause I haven’t quite worked out what difference ’signing the piece of paper’ makes to my experiences, yet.

This year, I have discovered that David resides in my brain, with the ‘2′ Michelles (’cause I’m a Gemini and already have the equivalent of 2 heads!), and that makes for a very full house.  The kids don’t seem to need as many gigabytes of memory ~ they reside in much smaller files, possibly because they are still ‘emerging’ personalities and, in the long run, they will go off and do what they need/want to do and I won’t be as involved with them.  David, on the other hand, is here for the long haul. 

In the early days, David was my Safe Place … he allowed me to ‘be ME’ and he loved me.  He nurtured my very under-developed ability to Feel Secure and provided a safe haven for me to return to whenever I felt threatened (which was pretty much all of the time although most people ‘on the outside’ probably wouldn’t have known that).

He has obviously done a good job because the ‘current’ Michelle is pretty secure and confident and able to manage so much more without the tumultuous emotional challenges of the early days.  Which brings me to the thoughts about ‘how did we end up here?”  “Here” being me feeling like I can only really make a decision about anything, after consulting “David in my head”!  That’s probably a little extreme but I’m sure you understand my point.  As an at home mum, without an income, without the normal ‘praise’ and ‘recognition’ garnered by working at a job (which has an appropriate rate of pay) some of my confidence and empowerment has been severely underdeveloped.  It’s nobody’s fault.  It’s just how things were/are.  But … now I am realising that, like maintaining relationships, the ‘at home parent’/'working parent’ arrangement also would benefit from some serious consideration before entering into the contract.  I may have been able to save myself a LOT of anguish if we had considered the roles we were taking on in the family, at the beginning.

Maybe David would have benefitted, too.  I actually don’t know what it’s like to have to provide for the family; to go to work day in, day out, no matter how you are feeling; to be the ‘anchor’ for this unit of people; to be the ‘backstop’ for me …

But, this post is about ME ~ LOL ~ so while I will acknowledge David’s part in our lives as being essential, it’s really about my sense of Freedom.  I haven’t quite got sorted on that, yet, although it’s flowing with greater ease since I started working at something I LOVE and being Paid Accordingly … yes!  It brings a much greater sense of my own power.

So, while I acknowledge the essential role that being married/committed has played in my growth and development ~ I absolutely would not be who I am today without David in my life ~ I am now exploring how to reach the ‘balance’ of being ME and being US.  

Hmm.  Further reading is required!

I have been really intrigued about what new things would be coming in to my life, this month.  And, I have not been disappointed!  Movement is afoot and I’m loving the changes - well, mostly. 

David is back to “Outside the House Paid Employment” as compared with “Working from Home Paid Employment” and that’s fantastic.  He is able to have all those social elements that happen with going ‘out’ to work, as well as the mental stimulation which comes with bigger projects and more stimulating environments.  With David’s new ‘Beginning’, I realise that the time has come for me to stand on my own two feet, again, which is a bit daunting from an emotional perspective as David has been instrumental as my main (and often “only”) support person during my grieving process.  But, it’s a new Beginning for me, too.

Of course, Beginnings can only come after Endings, and our ‘ending’ is our time together.  I rely on David for so much, more so when the kids were little and I was living a ‘less empowered’ life.  After a few months of him being readily accessible and available, it’s taking some adjustment for both of us to find the new path through all the ’stuff’ now in our lives so that we can still have ‘our’ time.

Our priority, this week, and maybe for a few more days/weeks after that is to find a routine that allows us to have some quality time together.  Life is incredibly busy and we are going in different directions so “Our” time is going to be a bit hard to find.  We will, though, because one of the things we’ve learned over the last couple of years is that time for US is of the utmost importance if we want to look forward to a harmonious relationship with each other now and once the kids have all left home.  Ahhh.

It’s really wet and wintry outside, this morning.  I love listening to the rain but not so thrilled by rain and wind.  It seems kind of ’safer’ to just stay inside until the weather clears.  That’s how I feel about addressing some of those ‘yukky’ fears I suffer from. Can deal with them in small doses but sometimes it’s just easier and more comfortable to sit it out, in the comfort of my ‘procrastination’.  (smile) 

Since attending Animal Dreaming, last year, I have been experiencing a whirlwind of tumultuous circumstances; it’s what happens when you adopt the attitude of “Bring it On!”  Mostly, I have been happy to address all those things or issues which have been holding me back from being All That I Can Be.  Some of them have been significantly harder, and more traumatic, than I expected, but that is normal in my experience.  Great Learning is Rewarded with Great Gifts (a completely subjective comment but accurate in my experience).

“Anxiety” is my current, and continuing, challenge.  I’ve been ‘anxious’ since forever.  I felt that it was more of a challenge when I was very young as it seemed to always be a source of annoyance and irritation in my family … it certainly was in my head, too!!  Looking back over my life, it’s the single most consistent issue that’s always been there. 

Yesterday, I was given a little more insight to my issues with anxiety by Lovely Karen.  We met for a workshop preparation coffee (we’re facilitating an introductory Angel workshop in July called “Let’s Talk Angels”) and Karen pointed out to me that my anxiety was connected to my issues regarding abandonment.  That is something I’ve been working through since Dad died … it really is intriguing how a child’s mind can interpret something in a particular way which then translates to ‘abandonment’ as she gets older.  I have struggled with ‘being left’ and having to ‘cope alone’ for as long as I can remember.  The side effects of that seem to involve lots of ‘anxiety in anticipation’ – becoming anxious about things which haven’t actually occurred but could happen.  My Gemini brain ~ being a super-fast operator ~ then associates that with not being wanted, and being abandoned.  Very clever of it, really, but also very annoying.  This is quite debilitating to live with, from my perspective and from David’s (who watches me go through this every time something new comes up!).

Karen gave me a technique to try which involves dumping the ’stuff’ out of my head, into the Earth.  She told me to Get Grounded, Seal myself in Golden Light, then Dump away.  And, I did.  I had a few minutes spare before personal training, yesterday, so sat outside in my herb garden and Dumped.  What was really interesting was how disconnected my head felt from my body at the beginning of the process and how much more connected I felt as I dumped the anxiety out.  I felt like my head was elongated and stuck up high in the sky with a big gap between it and the rest of my body.  As I dumped out of my head, I felt relief in my solar plexus area (our place of power and self) … in fact, I felt empowered.  WOW! 

In my repertoire of Strategies for Managing Michelle this has been added to the top of the list, along with Nurture, Rest, and Good Eating.  Ten minutes of acknowledging my fear, then dumping it, has allowed me a tiny insight into just how fabulous I can feel if I approach my Anxiety with the same attitude as I approach anything else.  Acknowledgement, Acceptance, Detachment.  Woo Hoo!