Joy Express

I am still reading “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert and, thankfully, there have been no more overwhelming urges to divorce David!  LOL.  I think that part of the book really tapped into some serious Past Life Issues!

I am intrigued by the concepts Liz explores in her journey to Make Peace with Marriage … it’s thought provoking on so many levels, not the least of which is the idea that Marriage is ‘healthier’ and more beneficial for men than for women.  In fact, women seem to be better off single!

Last night David was out at a concert with the ‘Rock God’ Guys and earlier in the day I was thinking/planning the afternoon and evening, mostly about dinner arrangements, when it hit me: how easy is it when David goes out?!  I felt a sense of Freedom which comes from ‘being in charge’, knowing that the kids didn’t care what time we ate or even what we would eat for dinner.  They were happy doing their own things … there was no pressure to get chores done or dinner ready for when David walked in, or even to ‘eat healthy’.  Wow!

The journey of reading this book has given me the opportunity to really think about what I get from ‘being married’ and how it impacts on my choices.  Actually, I guess that technically it is more about ‘being committed’ to someone rather than ‘being married’ ’cause I haven’t quite worked out what difference ’signing the piece of paper’ makes to my experiences, yet.

This year, I have discovered that David resides in my brain, with the ’2′ Michelles (’cause I’m a Gemini and already have the equivalent of 2 heads!), and that makes for a very full house.  The kids don’t seem to need as many gigabytes of memory ~ they reside in much smaller files, possibly because they are still ‘emerging’ personalities and, in the long run, they will go off and do what they need/want to do and I won’t be as involved with them.  David, on the other hand, is here for the long haul. 

In the early days, David was my Safe Place … he allowed me to ‘be ME’ and he loved me.  He nurtured my very under-developed ability to Feel Secure and provided a safe haven for me to return to whenever I felt threatened (which was pretty much all of the time although most people ‘on the outside’ probably wouldn’t have known that).

He has obviously done a good job because the ‘current’ Michelle is pretty secure and confident and able to manage so much more without the tumultuous emotional challenges of the early days.  Which brings me to the thoughts about ‘how did we end up here?”  “Here” being me feeling like I can only really make a decision about anything, after consulting “David in my head”!  That’s probably a little extreme but I’m sure you understand my point.  As an at home mum, without an income, without the normal ‘praise’ and ‘recognition’ garnered by working at a job (which has an appropriate rate of pay) some of my confidence and empowerment has been severely underdeveloped.  It’s nobody’s fault.  It’s just how things were/are.  But … now I am realising that, like maintaining relationships, the ‘at home parent’/'working parent’ arrangement also would benefit from some serious consideration before entering into the contract.  I may have been able to save myself a LOT of anguish if we had considered the roles we were taking on in the family, at the beginning.

Maybe David would have benefitted, too.  I actually don’t know what it’s like to have to provide for the family; to go to work day in, day out, no matter how you are feeling; to be the ‘anchor’ for this unit of people; to be the ‘backstop’ for me …

But, this post is about ME ~ LOL ~ so while I will acknowledge David’s part in our lives as being essential, it’s really about my sense of Freedom.  I haven’t quite got sorted on that, yet, although it’s flowing with greater ease since I started working at something I LOVE and being Paid Accordingly … yes!  It brings a much greater sense of my own power.

So, while I acknowledge the essential role that being married/committed has played in my growth and development ~ I absolutely would not be who I am today without David in my life ~ I am now exploring how to reach the ‘balance’ of being ME and being US.  

Hmm.  Further reading is required!

I have been really intrigued about what new things would be coming in to my life, this month.  And, I have not been disappointed!  Movement is afoot and I’m loving the changes - well, mostly. 

David is back to “Outside the House Paid Employment” as compared with “Working from Home Paid Employment” and that’s fantastic.  He is able to have all those social elements that happen with going ‘out’ to work, as well as the mental stimulation which comes with bigger projects and more stimulating environments.  With David’s new ‘Beginning’, I realise that the time has come for me to stand on my own two feet, again, which is a bit daunting from an emotional perspective as David has been instrumental as my main (and often “only”) support person during my grieving process.  But, it’s a new Beginning for me, too.

Of course, Beginnings can only come after Endings, and our ‘ending’ is our time together.  I rely on David for so much, more so when the kids were little and I was living a ‘less empowered’ life.  After a few months of him being readily accessible and available, it’s taking some adjustment for both of us to find the new path through all the ‘stuff’ now in our lives so that we can still have ‘our’ time.

Our priority, this week, and maybe for a few more days/weeks after that is to find a routine that allows us to have some quality time together.  Life is incredibly busy and we are going in different directions so “Our” time is going to be a bit hard to find.  We will, though, because one of the things we’ve learned over the last couple of years is that time for US is of the utmost importance if we want to look forward to a harmonious relationship with each other now and once the kids have all left home.  Ahhh.

It’s really wet and wintry outside, this morning.  I love listening to the rain but not so thrilled by rain and wind.  It seems kind of ‘safer’ to just stay inside until the weather clears.  That’s how I feel about addressing some of those ‘yukky’ fears I suffer from. Can deal with them in small doses but sometimes it’s just easier and more comfortable to sit it out, in the comfort of my ‘procrastination’.  (smile) 

Since attending Animal Dreaming, last year, I have been experiencing a whirlwind of tumultuous circumstances; it’s what happens when you adopt the attitude of “Bring it On!”  Mostly, I have been happy to address all those things or issues which have been holding me back from being All That I Can Be.  Some of them have been significantly harder, and more traumatic, than I expected, but that is normal in my experience.  Great Learning is Rewarded with Great Gifts (a completely subjective comment but accurate in my experience).

“Anxiety” is my current, and continuing, challenge.  I’ve been ‘anxious’ since forever.  I felt that it was more of a challenge when I was very young as it seemed to always be a source of annoyance and irritation in my family … it certainly was in my head, too!!  Looking back over my life, it’s the single most consistent issue that’s always been there. 

Yesterday, I was given a little more insight to my issues with anxiety by Lovely Karen.  We met for a workshop preparation coffee (we’re facilitating an introductory Angel workshop in July called “Let’s Talk Angels”) and Karen pointed out to me that my anxiety was connected to my issues regarding abandonment.  That is something I’ve been working through since Dad died … it really is intriguing how a child’s mind can interpret something in a particular way which then translates to ‘abandonment’ as she gets older.  I have struggled with ‘being left’ and having to ‘cope alone’ for as long as I can remember.  The side effects of that seem to involve lots of ‘anxiety in anticipation’ – becoming anxious about things which haven’t actually occurred but could happen.  My Gemini brain ~ being a super-fast operator ~ then associates that with not being wanted, and being abandoned.  Very clever of it, really, but also very annoying.  This is quite debilitating to live with, from my perspective and from David’s (who watches me go through this every time something new comes up!).

Karen gave me a technique to try which involves dumping the ‘stuff’ out of my head, into the Earth.  She told me to Get Grounded, Seal myself in Golden Light, then Dump away.  And, I did.  I had a few minutes spare before personal training, yesterday, so sat outside in my herb garden and Dumped.  What was really interesting was how disconnected my head felt from my body at the beginning of the process and how much more connected I felt as I dumped the anxiety out.  I felt like my head was elongated and stuck up high in the sky with a big gap between it and the rest of my body.  As I dumped out of my head, I felt relief in my solar plexus area (our place of power and self) … in fact, I felt empowered.  WOW! 

In my repertoire of Strategies for Managing Michelle this has been added to the top of the list, along with Nurture, Rest, and Good Eating.  Ten minutes of acknowledging my fear, then dumping it, has allowed me a tiny insight into just how fabulous I can feel if I approach my Anxiety with the same attitude as I approach anything else.  Acknowledgement, Acceptance, Detachment.  Woo Hoo!

I have a couple of quotes from Abraham-Hicks on the noticeboard above my computer and I was thinking about the “Feeling of JOY” and “Harmony” … yesterday was a day filled with Moments of Disharmony and, therefore, Moments of NOT Feeling the JOY. 

Something I LOVE about spending quality time with like-minded people, or good friends, is the exploration process that occurs when trying to work out why something is disharmonious.  I also LOVE spending a few minutes with my Oracle Cards, indulging in the energy and gleaning a little insight as to why things happen the way they do and what the bigger picture might be.

I think that one of the insights I have gained, after several experiences with the ‘disharmony’ is that there is often a period of frustration or confrontation, right before Big Change … change in work direction, or approach to life, or friendships.  I am exploring “Beginnings”, in May, and that is usually preceded by ‘endings’.  I wonder if that is why I experienced a bit of disharmony in my journey, yesterday.

And, then I struggle with how to manage the disharmony.  It’s really hard to maintain long-distance friendships when communication is mostly done by email – it’s direct and immediate and often mis-interpreted.  Do you respond immediately?  Do you wait a while?  Do you respond at all?  Being a HUGE Communicator, I struggle with over-communicating, and with not being communicated with/to … What to Do or What Not to Do. 

So, I just assume that whatever I will do will be mis-interpreted at some point and there will be a falling out.  It’s absolutely NOT my intention to upset anyone … but is it one of those things that is actually serendipitous?  Maybe it’s an ‘ending’; maybe it’s making way for the ‘Beginnings’.

In this space of ‘dithering’, I have learned/relearned a couple of things that I feel strongly about:

I intensely dislike being ‘fixed’ (by someone else via the ‘I think you should …’ approach).

I absolutely need to be communicated with! 

I need Words and Explanations and Sharings and Care and Support and Awareness and Active Listening.  I want Effort and Consideration and Acknowledgement.  I want to be surrounded by people and situations which are focused on the same direction and intention that I am focused on …

And, that is what I have.  When I am not trying to work out ‘What to Do or What Not to Do’, my life is filled with JOY and Harmony and Freedom and Growth … I think I am decluttering ~ AGAIN! 

Roll on Mother Earth Dreaming ~ Sacred Space!  The journey to this workshop has been fabulous!  I have learned so much!!  I am excited about connecting with ME, and creating a Harmonious and Inspired SPACE in my home, and getting outside to bask in the grounding, nurturing energy of Mother Earth.  Woo Hoo!  Bring It On!!

I decided not to go to Perth.  I decided to HONOUR ME.  Although, I must say that I took a very circuitous route to the realisation that Honouring ME was actually more important than attending a workshop (even though I was really looking forward to it) or being with some Very Special Friends.

Honouring ME is something I am not very practised at.  It’s not something I learned in those formative years of my life, nor do I see that particular behaviour modelled by people around me.  As a result, I am muddling through with the learning process.  This time, it took Me talking to me while I was talking to a dear friend ~ very convoluted, but effective. 

At first I expected that all the tears would magically dry up because the stresses of what my ‘head’ thought I should do compared with what my ‘heart’ knew I should do were eased.  Humpf!  That lasted all of a few hours.  I still woke up and wandered through my day with tears very close to the surface.  Then … I was gifted with a Day On My Own.  This is a Really Big Thing in my world, at the moment.  David is working from home so my old routine of many hours to myself has changed to a new routine of very few hours to myself.

The Gift of Space (energetically and physically) allowed me to find my centre again.  It allowed me to tune in to what makes my heart sing.  It allowed me to Acknowledge my grieving status but to also Celebrate What I Love.  It allowed me time and space to remember that I have Lovely Friends in my life and they are all needing,  or deserving, acknowledgement.  After all, I should be Really Aware of this because it’s exactly what I want!

My “Grieving Therapy” of stamping has provided me with a lovely stash of cards and I have posted 2 birthday cards this week, and 5 ‘Acknowledgement’ cards.  Congratulations Acknowledgement for my Stampin’ Sister Jenny’s New Recruit; Divine Being Acknowledgement for a Dear Angel Friend; Reconnecting Acknowledgement for a Special Friend who is also grieving and going to come to Angel Lunch, next week; Thank You Acknowledgement to Friends who gave me flowers; and Acknowledgement to my Dear Friend who is finding Life very demanding.

For Me, it’s very important to Acknowledge Life.  These people want to Feel Special and Unique and Valued.  Don’t we all?  I receive Great JOY when I send a handmade card.  I receive Great JOY when I make a card from out of my head, or copy it from the SU! catalog, or copy it from an Inspired Stamping Blogger.  I post my card with LOVE ~ Love Energy goes into the making, into the presentation, into decorating the envelope, into how I drop it into the mail box.  I imagine it flying away to my Friends, with Angels Wings.

I realise that this process is a form of Ceremony.  I am realising the importance of Closure and Peace and Acknowledgement and Nurture and Sharing the JOY … for me, for my Friends, for Dad.  My Dad died.  I am sad.  It is time for the Ceremony of Acknowledgement and Closure. 

And then, it is time for the Ceremony for ME ~ the Acknowledgement of My Journey; the Acknowledgement of My Grief; and the Acknowledgement of My Healing.

It’s a Journey.  It’s My Journey.  And I am making the rules.